Dear Crunchers,
Last year for Halloween I was a loser. I'm not just talking about my costume, I did everything wrong, from the pumpkin to the candy gorge-fest. What is your advice for achieving Halloween bliss?
Signed,
Hoping for a 'Hipper' HalloweenDear Hopeful Halloweenie,
You're not alone. We hope many of our faithful readers will avoid making a complete wreck out of this important holiday, thanks to your letter, or, more specifically, our response to your letter.
So, let's examine the five "C's" that will make your Halloween sing (or scream).
Candy:First of all, it's not all about the candy, so just get that worldly view out of your head. Don't buy into the "Big Cocoa" propaganda that:
"Chocolate is not addictive and contains many helpful anti-oxidants and flavonoids." Do you think we're stupid, Dr. Hershey and Mr. Goodbar? Anti-oxidants? We may be wrong but we're pretty sure we all need oxygen to breath.
Flavonoids? Even if you didn't make that word up, we think Dominoes established clearly that "noids" are bad. Bad for pizza; bad for people. Avoid the noid. And, finally, not addictive? We'd debate you on that one but our mouths are full of M&Ms.
No, what Halloween is really all about is having the bejeebers scared out you and singing Halloween carols on your Jehovah's Witness neighbor's doorstep dressed as a Red Cross phlebotomist holding a plate of witch and ghost shaped sugar cookies.
Costume:Rule number one with costumes is never, ever, wear something that states the name of the costume on the plastic shirt and has eye and mouth holes in the plastic mask. Here are two flagrant examples of costume faux pas:
Something homemade will always be better than these. For instance, let's examine last years' Crumb Cruncher Halloween costumes.
Once you get past the handsomeness of the subjects, the second thing you will notice is that these are one-of-a-kind (well, two-of-a-kind) homemade Jedi Knight robes (and delicious light sabers.) This years' costumes are a closely guarded secret that we only tell people who ask politely. Here's a hint: it involves our favorite activity...DESTRUCTION!
Corn/Hay Mazes:
Next, avoid the maze craze. Corn, straw, who knows.... As our Pop says, "Mazes don't impress me much." Good advice from a man who's been lost. Who wants to pay five bucks to get hopelessly confused in the flea ridden straw? Horrifying - that's what is is, and not in a good way.
Carving Pumpkins:
When choosing a pumpkin, go for something vaguely round and orange, but avoid anything citrus. Really, it's hard to mess this one up if you stick to those guidelines. Of course, it's usually best to choose one that is smaller than you.
Cookies:Now, back to the sugar cookies. Don't over mix the dough. They shouldn't be crunchy. Pile the frosting high. Candy Corns make a great topping. Study this "right" and "pathetic" example closely. If you can't tell which is which, just forget making cookies altogether. Enough said.
Sincerely,
The Crumb Crunchers
(Cole and Grant)
Do you have a question for the Crunchers? Leave a comment with your question and we'll tell you our opinions.
It's more efficient than plain cold water and has the added benefit of being ridiculous. Just don't add too much or you may have to cut your bath short, before you have a chance to empty all the bath water out onto the floor.
Don't you have a potato sack layin' around there somewhere? I'll bet you have just the talent (and weight) to be a perfect sack of potatoes. And you have 2 eyes! Plus, you don't have to carry an extra bag for candy, just stuff it all in there with you. The lumpier the better.
Flavonoids? Even if you didn't make that word up, we think Dominoes established clearly that "noids" are bad. Bad for pizza; bad for people. Avoid the noid. And, finally, not addictive? We'd debate you on that one but our mouths are full of M&Ms.
Once you get past the handsomeness of the subjects, the second thing you will notice is that these are one-of-a-kind (well, two-of-a-kind) homemade Jedi Knight robes (and delicious light sabers.) This years' costumes are a closely guarded secret that we only tell people who ask politely. Here's a hint: it involves our favorite activity...DESTRUCTION!
Next, avoid the maze craze. Corn, straw, who knows.... As our Pop says, "Mazes don't impress me much." Good advice from a man who's been lost. Who wants to pay five bucks to get hopelessly confused in the flea ridden straw? Horrifying - that's what is is, and not in a good way.
When choosing a pumpkin, go for something vaguely round and orange, but avoid anything citrus. Really, it's hard to mess this one up if you stick to those guidelines. Of course, it's usually best to choose one that is smaller than you.
